Fresh Air
by ali.9319
Summary: Herr Rilow has abused his son to the point that he feels the need to protect himself from everyone and portray a fake persona. Hanschen finally lets someone in: Ernst. His home issues continue forcing him to push away from the the people who care.
1. Chapter 1

As I gazed over at Hanschen Rilow for what seemed like the millionth time today I couldn't help but wonder what he was really like, under his hard shell. Was there really anything under there, any feelings? I didn't really think so, but a part of me wanted to believe there was, maybe the part of me that was madly in love with him. Ever since he kissed me in the vineyard I knew I was in love with him, but when I told him he responded with: "As you should." The way he said it, that fact that he said it…Why couldn't he have just said: "And I love you too, Ernst"? That would have made everything so much easier, clearer.

The bell rang startling me and interrupting my thoughts. I jumped out of my seat gathering my things as quickly as possible so I could hurry out and avoid interaction with the other boys. But of course, as luck would have it, Hanschen Rilow caught up to me halfway down the stairs.

"Ernst, where are you rushing off to on this lovely day?"

"Oh...um...nowhere. I'm just headed home....to help my mother with some housework."

"What sort of housework?" inquired Hanschen moving in closer to me.

"Just the ordinary kind" I squeaked.

"Well, when you're done your chores, I'll be in the vineyard." Replied Hanschen with a sly smile.

"Oh well they could take all night…"

It was no use. Hanschen had already begun to walk away down another path and my tiny voice was no longer in earshot.

Maybe I won't go tonight. I have homework and Hanschen can't control me. He just says something, tells me where to be and expects that I'll be there. Why does he think he has so much power over me? Why _does_ he have so much power over me?

Ah, but it's no use thinking about not meeting him. I know I'll end up there. There's nowhere I would rather be tonight then in Hanschen's arms.

"Hello, dear" greeted my mother.

"Hello, mother. Do you need any help tonight?" I asked, hoping she would say yes and give me a task to occupy me all night, leaving me unable to visit Hanschen.

"No dear, but thank you for asking. Dinner will be at six o'clock and you're free to do whatever you'd like until then" she said with a smile

I nodded "I guess I'd better start my homework."

"Alright, darling. If you need anything I'll be here."

"Yes" I said with a nod.

I went upstairs, to my room. Tonight out of all the nights I have only an hour of homework and no chores. This is simply unfair I thought, while pulling out my homework.

After finishing I decided to get out my bible and read it until dinner. I loved reading my bible and did really long to be a pastor and I didn't care how amusing anyone found that.

"Ernst, dinner" called my mother up the stairs

"Yes, I'll be right there."

I walked down the stairs taking my time and slowly pulled out my chair.

"Ernst, dear, are you feeling alright?" asked my mother. "You look awfully pale."

"I'm feeling fine thank you"

"You do look pale" said my father "Maybe it's being cooped up inside all day. You should go out for a walk after dinner and get some fresh air; see if that makes you feel any better"

"If not we may have to call the doctor" added my mother

"I'm fine; can't I just stay home tonight and read inside?"

"Why don't you take your bible down by the stream and read it there?" suggested my mother

"By the vineyard?"

"Yes."

"Alright. May I be excused" I asked pushing my plate away from me

"Yes, go" said my father

I slowly walked up the stairs and took out my bible, taking as much time as I could. I walked back down and out the front door. If only my parents really knew what they were encouraging.


	2. Chapter 2

I walked as slowly as I could, placing one foot carefully in front of the other on the dirt path down to the vineyard. I saw Hanschen in the distance; under the tree we had our encounter at the other day. I quickly went and sat down under another tree, hoping he wouldn't see me and I could just sit in peace reading my bible. But he saw me. I pretended not to see him and proceed to sit underneath the tree with my back to him.

"Ernst!" called Hanschen.

I continued to pretend not to hear him, but a few seconds later I noticed his shadow standing over me.

"Hello Ernst" he smiled

"Oh...hello, Hanschen. I didn't see you…did you just get here?" I asked trying to remain calm.

"No, I've been here for a while, thinking"

"You still have your school bag?" Why had he brought his bag from home?

"Yes, I came down here after dinner to finish my homework. It's so peaceful and quiet, the opposite of home, you know?"

I just nodded not really knowing what he meant. My house was always quiet: my mother working around the house and my father quietly isolated in his office and me in my room with my bible, reading and writing. There was never any noise other then the aimless chatter at dinner, rarely any in between.

I'd been so deep in thought I didn't notice Hanschen had sat down next to me and rather closely too. He lent in to kiss my neck but I pulled away.

"Hanschen, what are you doing?" I asked

"What do you mean? The same thing as last time"

"Why can't we just talk this time?"

"About what?"

"Anything really"

"I don't want to talk. I have nothing to say"

And with that he leaned into kiss me and I let him. It isn't like I didn't want this, I do. But I want to know him and love him, and not just physically.

We lay there, shirts half buttoned up, shoes and socks off and trousers half-on.

"Hanschen, I love you…" I whispered in his ear.

"Ernst, you don't have to tell me that every time"

"But…I want to. Don't you want to say it back?"

"Not right now"

"Then when? ............I have to go…" I said standing up and fixing my clothes.

"Ernst!" shouted Hanschen after me. "Wait!"


	3. Chapter 3

_Why couldn't I have just said it? Why can't I say it? I like Ernst a lot and I think I do love him, but there's just something about that word, about that phrase…I can't just say it. I can't give Ernest that power over me; I can't let him know he has that power over me._

I fixed my clothes to the best of my ability and smoothed my hair. What was I going to tell my parents? I probably looked like a sloppy mess. They weren't going to be happy. I slowly walked home hoping to find my parents asleep, but my luck just wouldn't have it that way.

"Hanschen! Where have you been?" Barked my father as soon as I entered the door

"I-I was out studying father, at a friends house…I'm almost certain I will get an A on my test tomorrow"

"You're not almost certain; you are certain. And don't stutter it shows your emotions. It shows you're either in fear, doubt or at a lack of knowledge and you will never be any of those things at any time. And if you were, well that would just be an embarrassment to our family's name. I know you would never embarrass us, would you, Hanschen?"

"No father" I responded quickly

"Don't sound so eager. And what is wrong with your clothes? You look like hell! Go and clean yourself up!" he barked. "I will be up shortly to discuss your faults"

I simply nodded and went to put on my night clothing. I washed up my face and slicked back my hair. My father would not allow me to even have a hair out of place while sleeping. I thought back to what my father had said earlier about stuttering. Ernst stutters around me, and he has no need for knowledge so he is either in doubt or in fear. I truly hope little Ernst doesn't fear me. I don't ever want him to be in doubt or fear. Maybe I do treat others just as my father treats me...I hope not.

Just then the door slammed open and there was my father standing with his belt, just as it had been since I could remember.

"I'll teach you to be a man: tough. You don't cry, you put on a hard face for the world" He shouted as he stuck me repeatedly on the back with his belt. This hadn't happened in nearly six months. I'd been so good. He only does this for your own good; I told myself, because he loves you, he only does this when you need a lesson. He isn't a monster; he's just helping me become a man. Yes, that's it, I told myself, he was doing this for me because he loved me.

"I don't want to see any tears, hold them back" He ordered and I did just that until the beating was over.

"Good night, Hanschen" he said nodding his head.

"Goodnight, Herr Rilow" I replied

"The response of a man…" He replied with a proud smile, proud of his work. Proud of what he had moulded me into. But was I proud of myself, of what I had become? I climbed into bed and the pain began to surface again as lay down on my back. I let the tears stream down my face.

I cried my self to sleep.

The next morning I got up early and dressed myself to perfection making sure there was nothing to be commented on. I went downstairs and ate breakfast early avoiding my parents. I set out for school only to arrive early, before all the other boys. I went in, pulled out a book and began to read. Slowly one by one the other boys entered the classroom with their aimless chatter: Otto and Georg about Georg's piano teacher and Moritz and Melchior about their dreams. The only other boy not deep in conversation was Ernst. I looked up to catch his gaze but realized he wasn't there.

"Where's Ernst?" I asked.

"Oh, he's sick today" replied Moritz.

"Oh" I muttered returning to my book.

Class went by rather slowly, to the point of even being dull; even if I was confident I got an A on my test. I finished early, allowing me to complete my homework in class. When the bell rang I let my feet lead me in the direction of Ernst's. I walked up the little path way to his house and knocked gently on the door. I'd never been to his house before and was nervous that his parents wouldn't even know who I was.

"Hello" Greeted a pleasant woman in a pale pink dress with a white patched apron. She reminded me nothing of my own mother; with her hair loosely back in a bun and a large innocent smile on her face.

"Hello, Frau Robel"

"You must be a friend of Ernst's. Hanschen Rilow, if I'm not mistaken?"

"Yes, I am Hanschen. May I see Ernst?"

"Certainly, dear! Come on, his room is right upstairs. It's the second on the left"

"Ok, thank you" I said nodding my head

Did she just call me dear? Even my own mother didn't call me dear. Well, I could easily see where Ernst got his innocent loving nature from. I came to the second door on the left and smoothed my clothing before knocking gently on the door.

"Come in" said Ernst

He sounds fine I thought as I opened the door. Ernst was lying in bed looking perfectly fine expect for a slight lack of colour in his cheeks.

"Hanschen!" He chirped excitedly, his lips curving up to form a smiling making mine do the same.

"Hello Ernst. It's good to see you too" I smiled closing the door and walking over beside him.

"You didn't have to come. I'm fine, really. My mother just worries too much. You know how it is with mothers" He laughed.

I just nodded with a smile; not knowing what he meant at all. My mother didn't seem to care much although sometimes she could. She lived the way my father liked and did as he pleased. She was a quiet sort of woman, which made her seem nice but if something went wrong she responded the same way my father did.

"How was school today?"

"Boring. I missed you" I said smiling down on Ernst. Maybe I do love him.

"My day was rather boring as well. I was told to sleep and do nothing else, no reading or anything. Come sit down" offered Ernst, patting the bed.

"Oh no, I'm fine" I said, remembering how it hurt to lie down.

"Come here" he said pulling my hand in the direction of the bed. I slowly sat down on the end of the bed and he sat up to face me. I knew he wanted me to kiss him but I didn't, so he did something I wouldn't expect. He leant in to kiss me.

"Ernst…" I pulled away rather shocked he would kiss me. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, I did. I just wasn't expecting that from him.

"Yes…was that good?" he asked looking up at me with those wide brown eyes that were only partly shown due to his black hair in his face like it always was.

"Don't your parents get angry with you for not having your hair neat?" I asked, not responding to his question.

"No" replied Ernest shaking his head. "Why would they?"

"I don't know…" I said as I lightly brushed his bangs away to kiss his forehead.

"Hanschen, do your parents get angry when you don't have your hair back? Is that why it's always so perfect?"

"Why would they get angry? Just like you said"

"But then..." I cut him off by gently placing a kiss to his lips.

"Hansch-" I just continued kissing him to avoid answering his questions. I felt bad, but I didn't want to answer. I didn't like the answers. For some reason they felt wrong to tell. I leaned back on him but remember my bruises and pulled away.

"I have to be home for dinner, so I should be going soon"

"You haven't even been here for half an hour. It can't be much past four" he replied.

"Well..." I knew not to stutter but I didn't know what to say, so I leaned in and kissed him once more. "I suppose I could stay a little longer…"

Upon hearing that a large smile came upon Ernst's face. How I loved to see that boy smile, so innocent, his genuine smile could brighten up anyone's day.

"Oh...Hanschen…"

Please don't say it. Don't say I love you, I thought, not wanting to see his hurt face when I couldn't return the words he desired to hear the most.

"Ernst, why do you love me?"

"I just do" Shrugged Ernst

"You just love, how can it be that simple?"

"Because it just is. I think you just know when you love someone." He replied with another shrug. "Come here" he said, pulling me back into his arms. Since when was Ernst so bold, and since when did he provide comfort to me?

"Why are you asking all these questions?" he asked, stroking my hair.

"I don't know" I replied, shifting, trying to reposition my back against his wooden headboard.

"I don't understand you, Hanschen"

"Well, I don't understand me either" I mumbled.

"What?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore" I said cutting him off.

"But, Hanschen…?"

"I must be going" I said shooting up out of his arms.

"But-"

"Goodbye, Ernst" I said with a nod. "I hope you're feeling better and that you'll be returning to school soon."

"Yes, thank you....goodbye Hanschen" nodded Ernst.

A/N: Thank you for the reviews! I love hearing any feed back people have so thank you! I'm going to camp for two weeks so I might not have a lot of time to write and post but I will try my best.

-Ali


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own spring awakening :(

_Ernst's pov:_

_My head was in a dance, a whirlwind, when Hanschen abruptly decided he'd leave. I watched the blonde fling the door open and rush down the stairs. I hurried over to my window quickly enough to see the faint red puffiness around the edge of his eyes. Quickly he darted into the forest, becoming one with the beautiful fall leaves, matching his sorrow-stung eyes. I longed to understand that boy, his feelings, what he was saying. How one minute he was holding me so lovingly in his arms and the other rushing down my stairs, fleeing from my arms. Does he really love me as I love him? He must, he wouldn't fill me with such a stormy, powerful, overwhelming love only for it to not be returned. No, he wouldn't do that. Hanschen loves me. Maybe he just hasn't realized it yet. _

Hanschen's pov:

I felt it. When I realized it, I ran, so far and so fast. I darted right from his grasp, and seeing the light fading in his eyes put out the light shining through me. It allowed tears to grace my checks, blending in with the fall leaves as I fled through the forest and to - where? Back home to Mama and Papa for another night of father's love? No, that isn't love. Ernst…Ernst. What I have with my Ernst that, that is love. Father is merely but a mistake of god, a failure of placement. Ernst and I, what we have, that is love. I will tell him, I will tell him soon. The words will tumble gracefully off my tongue and brush through lips. I will tell him everything about me and I will be all his and he all mine forever.  
That word - forever. I don't like it. I don't want to love; I don't want to feel that. I don't want to love to the point of blindness like mother and father. I don't want to have the love that father has developed for me. But maybe if I'm lucky I won't. Maybe Ernst and I will always be together, always happy.  
At that moment my feet jolted, creating a new hole in the dirt path I frequently took. I didn't care how mad I made father, how much pain I would be in tomorrow; all I cared about was one thing. And that one thing; that person was _him_. Ernst.  
I turned, and ran as quickly as my feet would allow me to, gathering small rocks on the way. I slowly crept beneath Ernst's room and began to gently toss the rocks to his second story window, praying they wouldn't crack the glass, waking his mama or papa. Surely enough, the raven haired boy appeared at the window: hair more tousled than ever and those, large brown eyes glowing with confusion as the moon's rays danced over him, highlighting his silhouette in the moonlight.

"Hanschen?" he moaned

"Ernst, climb down, there's something I want to show you"

Ernst quickly nodded; closing his window he crept down the stairs and out the front door, to be pulled into a passionate kiss.

"Come on" I said, grabbing hold of Ernst's hand, not allowing him a second to think.

Ernst's little cottage began to fade into the darkness as Hanschen led Ernst off the dirt path and the two began to run, without a care, hand in hand, as if they were little children again. They were running away from the monsters, fleeing from the evil. Ilse had always played the daring sea beast in their games. But they were now older and they were unconsciously running from a different monster. As they ran the beasts too began to fade into the night and the two stumbled to the ground, searching for familiar surroundings.

"Hanschen…where are we?" Ernst asked looking around, quite puzzled as to their sudden ending.

"I don't know!" laughed Hanschen, looking up at his lover. Ernst replied with a laugh.

"I love you"

"Oh Hanschen, I love you too" replied Ernst.

"I love you, as I have never loved anyone"

"As do I" laughed Ernst.

Hanschen pulled Ernst into his strong arms and the two lay down in their new found bed of colourful leaves. The world around them had faded and all that was left was their love.

Ahaha I didn't relize how cliche that was until I reread it. Should that be the ending? I'm not sure. Does it seem like one, because I think I can do more but that somewhat seemed like an ending. What do you think? Please review!

-Ali


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Hi! I'm so sorry this took so long to post and that I've been taking so long to post in between chapters. I'm going to try to update more regularly once every one or two weeks. Thank you to everyone who is still reading this. :)

Disclaimer: I do not own Spring Awakening.

The moon's light began to fade, being replaced by the sun, and the two boys began to stir. Hanschen propped himself up on his elbows and flung his eyes open, only to see a girl with a crooked smile looking down upon him.

"I..ilse?" He stammered, remembering the bohemian girl who had disappeared merely two years ago.

"Sleepovers in the woods? I thought that was my thing." She laughed almost sickly.

"What are you doing out here? Where have you been?"

"Ah-I just awoke a while down. I was heading back to the artist colony when I saw you two. At first I thought you were just another couple who had passed out last night, but I soon realized it was you... and Ernst. Who would have guessed?" She chuckled to herself.

"What did you do last night? You're living in the artist colony? How is that safe? My father told me never to go there, that it is full of low life failures."

"I could ask you the same thing, they treat me well there and they don't hind themselves, unlike you. What else does your father say Hanschen? I'm sure he's a great man-"

"Hanschen...." Ernst began to stir, rubbing his eyes while adjusting to the harsh morning light.

Hanschen pulled Ernst in protectively. "Ilse what do you want?" Hanschen inquired.

"I...I...well..." She sat herself down across from the two boys. "How is everyone... everything... the town... you two?"

"Ilse...Ilse...Neuman?" Gasped Ernst "To see you here! Oh how are you? We've missed you terribly!" Exclaimed Ernst

"Hanschen doesn't seem to think so," Smirked Ilse. "I've been well; I'm a model now, in the artists' colony. Maybe you've seen some of my portraits at market? I don't go to market too often myself....I have other duties to attend to back at the colony.

"Well, Anna was just saying the other day how she thought she'd seen you the in the forest. We were all thinking how nice it would be to see you again...and here you are! I can't wait to tell her-"

"Oh-no you... you mustn't. My parents can't find out... I... I don't want anyone to know- please. Promise me you won't tell."

"We won't." Hanschen bluntly stated.

"But, Ilse... aren't you going to come and visit us?" Ernst inquired innocently.

"I can't come back to town... but you two could come and visit me... in the colony. There are people like you there-"

"Oh...my mama says not to go to the artists colony...s..sorry Ilse." Stuttered Ernst

"Well...maybe I'll be seeing you two in the forest again soon." Smirked Ilse

With that, Ilse turned and darted away. Without another word, she had disappeared again.

"Can we really not tell the others Hanschen? They'd love to see her..."

"No, Ernst we can't. Come on we have to get home. We'll be in enough trouble as is." Declared Hanschen, standing up and offering Ernst a hand.

"I'm... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to-"

"No! Don't –" Hanschen pulled Ernst into a tender kiss. "You didn't do anything. Everything will be fine... better then fine, it'll be great. We'll be great! Come on, let's go"

A generic smile shone on Hanschen face and reflected onto Ernst's. The two had forgotten their encounter with Ilse, along with her offer. They rushed back through the forest, trying to find the path and their way.

A/N: I'll will try my best to have the next chapter up in a week. Did you think this chapter fitted in with the story? I wasn't sure, it kind of seemed like it didn't a little. Oh, did anyone see the Halloween contest video? I was the Ilse with the leafs! It completed my life! Ahaha sorry, I had to share that.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: **Hey! I am so sorry this took so long, I already have the next chapter done so I'll post it in a few days. Thank you so much to anyone who has kept reading this story, I know the plot has kind of been shifted a little and it's kind of off. So thank you for sticking with it!

-Ali

As the two boys stumbled out of the forest, their hands fell from each others grasp. They exchanged one more glance wishing it to be a kiss and carried on in their opposite directions. Ernst home to a frantic mother and Hanschen home to his father's belt.

_Ernst's pov:_

_I headed home with my head down, dying inside knowing of what my lover would have to face. Knowing the pain that I was a part of inflicting upon him. If I'd only said no, and let him solemnly walk away. Back into his lonely despair? No, I'd made the right decision. My diminutive house was daunting my sight, my mother in the window, flinging to door open and rushing out as soon as she'd seen me. _

"Ernst dear...where on earth have you been?"

"Your mother has been worried sick!" Added Herr Robel

"I...I was studying with Hanschen and we fell asleep."

"Oh...my dear boy. Studying...do not stress yourself with school to the point of exhaustion! Come in dear, I'll fix you your favorite breakfast"

"Thank you mama" Nodded Ernst. Allowing his mother to usher him into the house.

_Hanschen pov:_

_Glancing back at Ernst one last time, welcomed a smile on my sorrow pained face. Thoughts of my lover raced around my head as I slowly walked the traitorous walk home. My mind was numb in fear of what was to come. Once when I was eight I ran from my father's grasp when he was making a man out of me. I fled to barn and made myself a bed of straw. Mama and Papa hadn't cared enough to come looking for me. But when I snuck back into the house the next day...it made me wish I could hide buried in the straw forever, never even peeking through to see if it was day or night. Spring or summer. Just lying there motionless seemed like a dream to me. Maybe I'd do that tonight...maybe Papa would allow me to be motionless. I pulled the door and crept in soon to find out. _


	7. Chapter 7

I closed my eyes not wanting to see what was awaiting me inside, lightly shutting the door behind me; I opened one eyelid to see my father glaring down at me. His tall and muscular frame towering over me. My mother of course standing there behind him, her arms crossed over her chest starring blankly at me. The yelling began and I knew what was going to come next.

"Who the hell do you think you are coming home at this time of night?" Barked Herr Rilow "You tell me who? Some man you are, can't even answer a simple question"

"I was out studying and I feel asleep, I lost track of time father I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? You're sorry?" He laughed, shaking his head.

I simply nodded unaware of what he wanted me to say, planning my escape to my room in my head, where I could safely lock the door and attempt to fall back into a peaceful slumber; such as the sleep I had shared with Ernst in the forest. Just then my father's fist came in contact with my head clearly telling me that wouldn't be happening tonight. He hit me over the head and down to the ground. He usually avoided beating me in front of my mother but I guess it was a special occasion. I just lay there and allowed him to kick me harder and harder each time. The pain eventually subsiding as I began to numb and the blood began to pour. He spat on my head with the final words:

"You are a disgrace, go and clean yourself up I can't bear to look at you. If you ever pull a trick like this again the good Lord knows what that means and I hope you do as well."

He pointed to the stairs as I pulled myself up and scrambled up the stairs. Glancing once at my mother still with her blank expression. How could she just have stood there that whole time? What kind of a human being does that? I rushed to the bathroom to clean my fresh wounds. The bruising had already set in. Thank goodness we weren't swimming in gym, with the unexplainable bruises decorating my rib cage. A fresh black eye was beginning to form, and stories of my klutziness would soon be told. I removed the dry blood and headed to my room. Wanting to slam the door out of blind rage but being unable to, knowing what would happen. I firmly shut it locking it and sliding my body down the wooden frame. I sat there starring at the wall, my mind numb. Not a single thought, I slid down the frame even more laying my head down against the door and my feet out in front of me... Just starring at the ceiling trying to find a way out...

I awoke the next day, in even more pain from the uncomfortable sleep on the hard wooden floor. I pulled on my school uniform and meticulously groomed myself. I entered the kitchen to see my mother and father already at the table.

"You're late, your food is cold. We had this meal made for us to eat as a family and I expect you to be here when it is made and thank us. You understand? Your behaviour has been inexcusable lately and I-we think it is due to your new friend. What do you need friends for? They merely distract you from what really matters in life"

"And what might that be?" I inquired with a bitter tone, how could he possible think my friendship with Ernst was dire? Ernst is what matters to me and I will find a way to be with him no matter what my father says.

"Are you so blind boy? Money, class... just... go...go to school and maybe you will learn something useful today."

With that I stood up and walked out, heading to school feeling like my life had taken drastic steps backward. Slowly I walked the dreaded dirt path to the lonesome school house. My mind swirling with questions: what was I to tell Ernst when he tried to touch me? I don't what to explain what my father did, how my mother didn't care to intervene. How do I explain that fact that I'm not supposed to see him? The daunting thoughts panging in my head I decided to ignore them all. Go into a stage of oblivion and push it all away. I entered the school house just in time for morning lessons. Taking my seat and ignoring the glances of concern from Ernst I keep mind head fixated on the lesson. Knowing fare well what would happen if I walked out of line again.

**A/N: **Thanks for reading! I'll try to update again soon, I should have plenty of time with the break coming up! :)


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